on Republican Convention
by Dick Monarch
Post Denver Reporter
September 3, 2008
The Republican National Convention was reduced to a quagmire this week after being infiltrated by Senator Joe Biden, the Democratic Vice Presidential candidate.
The GOP had doubled-down on big names Tuesday night to make up for losing Monday night to Hurricane Gustav.
Not only were President and First Lady Bush on stage with John and Cindy McCain, but they were joined by special guest Sarah Palin and super-secret surprise guest Dick Cheney.
They were in the middle of patting themselves on the back for competently acknowledging the hurricane and calling the GOP the "party of inclusion" when a loud voice shouted "Enough!" across the arena.
A figure, dressed in black, repelled down a rope to center stage and held his sword up over his head.
"It's Charlie!" yelled Senator McCain diving to protect President Bush. "Hit the deck!"
The figure pulled his mask down.
It was Joe Biden.
"I've had about all the bullshit I can handle," he said.
"Now listen here-" said Mitt Romney as he walked out on stage to look heroic.
Biden impulsively decapitated Romney and all stood in awe, for a moment, at the realization that Mitt actually had human blood.
Dick Cheney, thinking quickly, used Sarah Palin as a human shield.
Laura Bush and Cindy McCain graciously exited the stage without anyone noticing.
The Deleware senator held the blade to McCain's throat and demanded clear answers on live national television.
"What's your energy policy?" Biden demanded.
"I was held prisoner in a Vietnamese cage!" McCain insisted.
"What are you going to do about taxes?"
"A bamboo cage!" McCain responded.
"How many houses do you own?"
"For five and a half years!"
"Jesus," Biden said with a look of disgust. "Don't you have any other answers?"
"Freeze!" shouted a dozen secret servicemen charging the stage with guns trained on Biden.
"No, you freeze!" said Biden's team of secret service as they repelled in behind him.
The federal agents were locked in an intense stand-off for several minutes, until they realized that most of them knew one another- and one guy still had the other guy's wife's serving platter that they left at a party last month and she was starting to get pissy about it.
It was decided that the candidates would just have to sort out their differences the old fashion way- on election day.
